Ep. 11 How to Survive a Horror Movie

  1. Your car should always be in perfect working order.

Because if it’s not in perfect condition and you’re trying to escape from someone, it’s definitely not going to start. SImilarly, you should probably have a car that is push-start so that you don’t have to fumble with the keys while you’re being chased by a slasher! This is evidenced by pretty much every scary movie ever. 

2. If there’s a rumor about witches or paranormal activity, don’t go seeking it out because it’s definitely true. 

The blair witch project is a prime example! Oh haha so funny maybe there are witches here…. Yeah it’s all fun and games until you get murdered. Same goes for haunted houses. If there is a history of haunting… BYE. You should never test urban legends or try to seek out the paranormal because they will happily oblige by finding you and killing you!! Don’t make things into a game or prank. If something scary happens, do not humor it and try to make it funny or provoke it into happening again. If you do, you’re the first one the spirit is going to kill. 

3. Don’t leave the group to check things out.

Don’t go investigate, don’t get separated from the group. If you do, you’re going to be the first one who ends up dead. If I were in a scary movie, I would literally just hide somewhere and not move until daylight. I actually remember doing this as a child and playing hide and seek. I would find such a good spot that no one would find me and I’d be like “oh cool I’m just gonna stay here” lol introverted much??

4. Stay away from basements, attics, barns, garages, and sheds. 

I never saw this one because it looked too horrifying but did you guys see the previews for “Ma” earlier this year? It has Octavia Spencer in it, who is awesome…. And it looked SO SCARY. She makes friends with some teenagers and then decides to let them party in her basement…. That’s how to not get murdered 101. If someone invites you to their basement for underage partying, JUST SAY NO……. 

Did you guys ever see A Quiet Place? That one takes place in a barn and it was controversial (had mixed reviews) but I totally loved it! It’s the one with John Krasinski and his wife Emily Blunt who plays his actual wife in the movie. They live in a barn, but that’s not really the scary part. As far as scary basements and barns go, the cabin in the woods is a creepy basement story. Just stay in the daylight and don’t go down into a dark damp basement. 

5. Carry a phone charger or a portable charger with you at all times. 

If you’re in a horror movie, your phone is going to die. You probably also want to have cell service because you’ll be in the middle of nowhere and it will be storming really badly. Did you guys remember seeing the previews for “when a stranger calls” in high school? Yeah this is the definition of that. 

6. Do you consider shark movies to be horror movies? 

If so, don’t go surfing, never go onto a boat, never get convinced to go into a shark cage, and never go to a beach without telling someone where you are and when you should be back. Also, realize that you’re literally shark bait and you should just go back to shore. But if you have to be in a shark movie, be like blake lively and have amazing jewelry game so that you can stitch yourself up with your own body jewelry. 

7. Select your home carefully. 

If someone has died or mysteriously disappeared at the house, apartment, or boarding school where you are spending your time, it’s safe to assume that their angry ghost is haunting the place and is ready to kill you. Like with one of my favorite horror movies as a teenager, The Grudge. It’s one of those “don’t go in there” horror movies where there is definitely something scary living in the attic of a couple’s new home in Japan. IDK why but being haunted in a foreign country is way scarier than being haunted here at home. Just saying. 

Bonus Tips:

If you woke up from a terrible accident and you think you know where you are, don’t trust your memory. Also don’t trust the people taking care of you. And don’t trust your spouse. 

Hahaha okay now that we’ve gotten those done, what are you guys doing for halloween this year?! I am doing….. Absolutely nothing!!! I’m the chair of the party planning committee for my department at work so I will be planning a game party during the day and that’s about it. 

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